I’ve had a lot of health troubles throughout my life. I won’t go into details, but I had a lot of surgeries in my 20’s including having my right kidney removed. I had been a fairly thin person until my kidney troubles and then I packed on about 30 pounds.
Fast forward to my 30’s and I starting having weird thyroid issues, but good news, the weight came off. I felt strong and pretty and I thought, “I had so many health issues as a young person, I am going to be such a healthy person as I get old.” There should have been some wood to knock on somewhere.
Fast forward again and I had a later in life baby, weight started to creep up and up and I was struggling with my thyroid and my gall bladder.
Literally on my 40th birthday I was in the hospital with colitis, I had to wait for that to clear up so I could have my thyroid removed, then wait to heal from that to have my gall bladder removed. I waited for that to heal to have permanent birth control procedure because I had several miscarriages after my daughter was born and I could get pregnant quite easily, but was unable to stay pregnant. I was done with that.
I decided it was time to get serious about getting strong mentally and physically. My baby is about to start kindergarten and a new time in my life is about to begin.
I bought some books and self led courses on my camera and photo shop. I started using the my fitness pal app which is fantastic. I have to eat a ridiculously small amount of calories and I started to exercise almost every day and the weight started slowly coming off. I started in May and a week ago I had lost 21 pounds and was feeling pretty great! Here is a picture of myself getting ready to go out with my brother for his birthday on August 2.
I was 2 pounds away from my first big goal and I was feeling pretty again. This was a Friday evening.
Early Monday morning I awoke with a familiar twinge in my side and I was pretty sure I was having a kidney stone. I was right, they admitted me to the hospital where I stayed for several days passing several stones but avoiding surgery.
I was walking through the halls at the hospital and I stopped by a large scale and weighed myself, thinking that maybe I had reached my goal since I hadn’t been eating in the hospital. To my surprise, I had LITERALLY gained 20 pounds. TWENTY pounds in 4 days by doing nothing.
Now I realize that there were a lot of fluids pumped into me, water weight, and blah blah blah. But for crying out loud!!!! Now it’s a week since I went into the hospital and I’ve only lost 10 pounds and now I have post hospital depression. I don’t feel well. My flank is hurting and I’m scared to death that there is some lingering problem with that darn kidney. But I’m way more pissed that I gained that weight I worked so hard to get off. I’m also pissed that I have to see a doctor to make sure my only kidney is okay. I hate it. I’m afraid that they think I’m a crazy person even though they are the ones that keep removing my parts and if they worked correctly I would just be a hypochondriac and still have my parts and not a jar full of stones and body full of scars. I pretty much fired my urologist at this last hospital event, so now I don’t feel strong, or pretty, or healthy. I feel flawed, fat, old, and unattractive.
My daughter starts school on Wednesday and I don’t want her to remember it as that time mom was in the hospital. I know my son has a lot of those markers in his life. I want to stop feeling poorly so I can forget all about it and move on with my plan for fit and fabulous forty. I want my Mommy and I feel guilty that I’ve put her through so much over the years.
I hate being the girl who always has something wrong with her. I want to be strong. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to schedule more appointments. I just want to be okay.
One thing I’ve learned about turning 40 is that I don’t think you ever finish growing up. There will always be a time when we want our Mommy and we won’t always have her. I hope I learn what I’m supposed to from these trials. I hope my side stops hurting and I get a burst of energy and I get up and do my workout.
I know that post hospital depression goes away. I know I’ll feel better, but I close with a picture of myself in my hospital bed. Only a couple of days from that fun night out with my brother. I’m not looking like California, but certainly feeling like Minnesota. I pray the health issues will go away at least until they want to take my uterus out. 🙂