Old Demons are Haunting Me and I want my Mommy

I’ve had a lot of health troubles throughout my life. I won’t go into details, but I had a lot of surgeries in my 20’s including having my right kidney removed. I had been a fairly thin person until my kidney troubles and then I packed on about 30 pounds. 

Fast forward to my 30’s and I starting having weird thyroid issues, but good news, the weight came off. I felt strong and pretty and I thought, “I had so many health issues as a young person, I am going to be such a healthy person as I get old.” There should have been some wood to knock on somewhere.

Fast forward again and I had a later in life baby, weight started to creep up and up and I was struggling with my thyroid and my gall bladder. 

Literally on my 40th birthday I was in the hospital with colitis, I had to wait for that to clear up so I could have my thyroid removed, then wait to heal from that to have my gall bladder removed. I waited for that to heal to have permanent birth control procedure because I had several miscarriages after my daughter was born and I could get pregnant quite easily, but was unable to stay pregnant.  I was done with that.

I decided it was time to get serious about getting strong mentally and physically. My baby is about to start kindergarten and a new time in my life is about to begin. 

I bought some books and self led courses on my camera and photo shop. I started using the my fitness pal app which is fantastic. I have to eat a ridiculously small amount of calories and I started to exercise almost every day and the weight started slowly coming off. I started in May and a week ago I had lost 21 pounds and was feeling pretty great! Here is a picture of myself getting ready to go out with my brother for his birthday on August 2.Image

I was 2 pounds away from my first big goal and I was feeling pretty again. This was a Friday evening.

Early Monday morning I awoke with a familiar twinge in my side and I was pretty sure I was having a kidney stone. I was right, they admitted me to the hospital where I stayed for several days passing several stones but avoiding surgery. 

I was walking through the halls at the hospital and I stopped by a large scale and weighed myself, thinking that maybe I had reached my goal since I hadn’t been eating in the hospital. To my surprise, I had LITERALLY gained 20 pounds. TWENTY pounds in 4 days by doing nothing. 

Now I realize that there were a lot of fluids pumped into me, water weight,  and blah blah blah. But for crying out loud!!!! Now it’s a week since I went into the hospital and I’ve only lost 10 pounds and now I have post hospital depression. I don’t feel well. My flank is hurting and I’m scared to death that there is some lingering problem with that darn kidney. But I’m way more pissed that I gained that weight I worked so hard to get off. I’m also pissed that I have to see a doctor to make sure my only kidney is okay. I hate it. I’m afraid that they think I’m a crazy person even though they are the ones that keep removing my parts and if they worked correctly I would just be a hypochondriac and still have my parts and not a jar full of stones and body full of scars. I pretty much fired my urologist at this last hospital event, so now I don’t feel strong, or pretty, or healthy. I feel flawed, fat, old, and unattractive. 

My daughter starts school on Wednesday and I don’t want her to remember it as that time mom was in the hospital. I know my son has a lot of those markers in his life. I want to stop feeling poorly so I can forget all about it and move on with my plan for fit and fabulous forty. I want my Mommy and I feel guilty that I’ve put her through so much over the years.

I hate being the girl who always has something wrong with her. I want to be strong. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to schedule more appointments. I just want to be okay. 

One thing I’ve learned about turning 40 is that I don’t think you ever finish growing up. There will always be a time when we want our Mommy and we won’t always have her. I hope I learn what I’m supposed to from these trials. I hope my side stops hurting and I get a burst of energy and I get up and do my workout. 

I know that post hospital depression goes away. I know I’ll feel better, but I close with a picture of myself in my hospital bed. Only a couple of days from that fun night out with my brother. I’m not looking like California, but certainly feeling like Minnesota. I pray the health issues will go away at least until they want to take my uterus out. 🙂

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8 thoughts on “Old Demons are Haunting Me and I want my Mommy

  1. You are such a strong and beautiful person and this just sucks! It’s totally not fair, i just want you to know, that other people out there see the unfairness of it all even it we can’t fix it!

  2. Story of my life. I don’t have the hospital issues such as you, but I have had every athletic injury you can imagine. I workout more than any female I know (other than one) and don’t lose a pound. Hang in there. That surely is water retention as it is too much to gain in four days. Hope things look brighter soon. Angie

  3. To my beautiful daughter. I love you very much and would do anything for you. Glad I could be with you in the hospital and at the doctor today. I will always have your back and I thought your sick picture still looked pretty. At least I passed on one or two good genes LOL

  4. I have you in my prayers, and I can definitely empathize the feeling of hating being sick all the time. My situation isn’t the same, but I went through a few years where it felt like my body hated me. One thing after another sent me to the doctor. But I do know that it gets better. You’re a brave, strong woman, Jenny. You’ll get through it. “It can’t rain all the time.” Take care! — Kimberly

  5. My sweet Jenny! You are always beautiful, smart and funny whether you weigh more than you want to or if you are passing kidney stones or not. In our screwed up family I think we should be grateful we can still laugh about things. When that quits happening just shoot me! I love you bunches sugar.

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